One Fine Day

I breathe in and my nose hairs freeze. I snort in surprise and they melt. I knew it was cold out, but frozen nose hairs? Brrrr…. The silence is broken only by;. swish, squeeeak, swish, squeeak… A magpie monitors our passage. He calls out just as we pass around a bend, he’s trying tell us something. I don’t speak magpie, so I don’t understand him. We ski out into a clearing. A pristine white hill stretches out in front of us. Tele-vators go up and we begin to climb. My toes had started to go numb, but now they warm up and start to burn a little. My heart starts to tick along. My nose hairs unfreeze and stay thawed. We continue up and up. I plod along behind the Hubba. There is a false summit in front of us. Even though I know it’s not the top, I still get that feeling of anticipation. There will be a VIEW ahead, a chance to stop and catch the breath. Maybe have a drink or a snack. Ten more swish/squeaks, and we reach a small saddle and there is a VIEW. We stop and look across the clear, cold valley to the peaks on the other side. We can see people waiting to get on the lift at the resort. We have no company, other then a magpie.
Drinks are slurped, snacks are scarfed, and we head up again, just a little bit further. Just as we are about to the top, a small airplane zips into view. He’s not so far above us. He does a fancy little roll as I wave cheerfully and as the Hubba yells his disgust and flips them the bird, two handed even. My Hubba is a back country purist, ( that’s read, SNOB!). He won’t ski at a resort these days. A motorized noise in the backcountry is like a fart at a tea party as far as he is concerned. I’m thrilled by the acrobatics. Looks like fun!
We attain the top of the ridge and carefully peer over the edge. Just to the right of us a huge cornice bends over dripping icicles. To the left another cornice looms over the slope below. Today is not a good day to temp the fates. Instead, we stomp the cornices. At my hubba’s insistent stomps, a cornice lets go and silently slides, collecting more snow as it goes, gaining momentum until it spills onto the flattened ground at the end of the slope. Some friends have joined us and the cornice stomping begins in earnest. A rope comes out of a pack and soon a make- shift saw is made, and we create an even bigger slide. Such grace and power in that snow rushing down the hill. After all the big cornices are down, we stand at the edge making our plans for the exit out. To the right of us is a void where the steep hill goes down, down. We chat about which hill we will ski down and then there is a small poof, and a breath of icy air. The ground beneath my right foot gives, and I instinctively shift my weight to the left, falling into the frozen fluff. I scramble even further towards the trees. My Hubba and our friends are in pretty much the same position. We all laugh, a little bit nervously. We peer over the edge and see that most of the previous edge has let go. All present are wearing beacons and all have shovels and probes in our packs. We are lucky though, so none of those things need to be used. I know that I certainly feel humbled and more respectful then I did five minutes ago. My Hubba and his friends still laugh. They are all veterans of this backcountry. They all know what it is that I am still learning.
With one last glance over, the Hubba and I head south just a bit, still on top of the ridge. We strip the skins off our skis and tuck them into our packs. Then we get to head down at last. The slope that will lead us out has evidence of early risers but there is still plenty of untracked snow for us to ski. The Hubba lets me go first. I genuflect and can barely feel the resistance of the snow against my legs. I find my own rythmn and feel like I’m dancing down the slope. My quads start to burn, and I realize I’m not really breathing. I suck in the fresh cold air and I’m pretty sure I know what it’s like to be in heaven.
Later that night, pleasantly tired, on the edge of sleep and snugged into mounds of down blankets and pillows I hear my Hubba breathing funny. His hand, which is resting on my hip, squeezes and then relaxes and then squeezes. Chasing rabbits in his dream I guess. I think back to the edge of that ridge, the silence, the cold. I remember the suddenness of the edge falling away. One minute the earth is frozen and solid under me. The next I’m off balance, and there is air beneath my foot. I am reminded of the fact of my insignificance. I am reminded that wild things need respect and consideration. They don’t demand it, it is just something that is. That is one reason why I love it so, why I need it. I drift off to dream land. Tomorrow is another day. I will wake up early and head to the hospital. Patients there don’t know what it is like to taste wild freedom. I know. I hold that knowledge close and it makes me smile in the middle of the day.

The FunnyRunner (01.10.08)

As I drive off to work in the early morning light I often see a runner who has a very distinctive running style. He has the skinny frame and quick pace of a chronic runner, but what makes him stand out is that he holds his arms lower then most people do. His arms have almost no bend in them at all. They move stiffley at his sides as he makes his way down the street. The first time I saw him I dubbed him the FunnyRunner. Over the years of living in this same neighborhood and driving into the hospital on early mornings I see him moving briskly down the street. For some reason he connects me to a part of myself that hasn’t been around for a while, a part of myself that I miss. Before I was married I used to run all the time. That was what I did for fun. I ran daily, and organized my weekends around which trail I wanted to run and how long I was going to be out for. My best friend at the time, Tracy, and her little brown dog, would sometimes go with me, but often times I was just out by myself, for hours, just running. I don’t remember my back ever hurting or my knees crunching either. I weighed about 110 lbs, and felt so at ease in my skin that I never really thought about any particular part of body, other then that it was a strong body. Now there is a struggle sometimes between me-now and me-then. There are times when the very last thing I want to do is go out for a run. If I manage to get beyond that moment, and I make it out the door, I’m good. I can run, and I enjoy it, and even if it doesn’t exactly feel good, I know I’m better then I was before I went. I wonder what it is that makes it so hard sometimes?
As I grow older, I slowly approach a place of invisibility, middle age hood. In this American society few things are more invisible then a middle aged woman. I'm ok with that, actually. Sort of takes the pressure off. What has become profoundly apparent though, is that for the first time in my life, my decisions about which choices I make have become more and more permanent. Every decision I make to go in one direction leaves a path not taken. Time for humans is not infinite. I only want to live the fullest most authentic life that I am able to. I want to respect my body and keep it strong. I want to continue to find my edges, and to try and go beyond what is familiar and comfortable to me. For some reason seeing the FunnyRunner in the wee hours of a chilly morning reminds me of these things.